


Please Don't Leave Me

by alllove



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:09:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29951142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alllove/pseuds/alllove
Summary: Basically reader self sabotages and leaves Spencer before realizing her mistake
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys, i hope you enjoy this fic. i'm not gonna lie to you i don't really know what it turned into but hopefully it's still good lol

“Y/N? I’m home,” you heard Spencer call. 

You popped your head out of the bedroom. “Hey,” you said, walking toward him. 

Spencer put his bag on the ground and walked toward you. 

“Hi,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around your waist. You placed your arms around his neck as he puled you in for a kiss. 

“How was your day?” You asked. 

“Not great, but it’s better now that I’m here with you,” he said, smiling. 

You kissed him again. “Aww, you’re cute,” you said. “You want me to put on some tea and we can talk about it?”

“That sounds great. I’m gonna go change,” he said. 

“Aw but I like you in your suit,” you whined. 

“Oh?” He said with a smirk, his eyebrows raised. 

“Yeah, you look handsome, doctor.”

“Oh, do I? You’ve never mentioned that.”

“Just kiss me,” you said, laughing, and he did. It was soft but sweet and lasted only mere seconds before Spencer pulled away so he could go change. 

You watched him as he walked into the bedroom, thinking about how lucky you were to have him. 

Once he disappeared, you stared at your feet for a moment, fiddling with your fingers. You took a deep breath before heading to the kitchen to make the tea. 

You waited next to the kettle; the mugs prepped with chamomile tea bags. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Spencer said as he walked out of the bedroom. 

“Hmm?” You asked. “Oh, yeah.”

“Whatcha thinking about?” He asked, approaching you. 

“Nothing,” you said. 

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” you said with a smile. “Tea’s almost done. I can bring it to the couch when it’s ready.”

“Okay,” Spencer whispered before kissing your forehead. 

You brought the tea over to the couch, just like you said you would, and sat down next to Spencer. 

“So, what’s going on?” You asked. 

“Mostly just paperwork today but Hotch wanted to talk to me alone,” Spencer said, sipping his tea. 

You listened intently as he talked about his day. Today was your day off and since there was no case, you actually got to spend it at home. Spencer, however, had his day off yesterday so he had to go in. 

“What’d he want?” You asked. 

Spencer picked at the couch. “Oh you know, just, updates on my cases,” he said. 

“And?”

“And I’m insanely behind,” he said, sighing. 

“Spence, if you want help, we can do them together,” you said. 

“I don’t want to bother you with that,” he said. 

“Spencer,” you said, putting your hand on his knee. “I want to help you. Tomorrow we’ll cut that stack in half, guaranteed, okay?” You said. 

“Okay,” he said, smiling at you. 

“Wanna watch some Star Trek to take your mind off things?”

“Ugh, yes,” he said. 

You grabbed the TV remote and put on whatever move they were showing.

About five minutes in, you turned to see Spencer still picking at the couch. 

“Hey, come here,” you said, opening your arms. He scooted closer to your, wrapping his arms around your waist as you leaned against the arm of the couch. He put his head on your chest and you rubbed his arm with one hand, the other playing with his hair. 

He played with the buttons on your sweater for a few minutes before you felt him stop. “You okay?” You whispered. 

He didn’t answer. He just squeezed you tighter and you took that as your answer. 

You sat like that, stroking his hair, until the movie was over. 

You looked at Spencer, who had fallen asleep on top of you, admiring everything about him. You decided not to bother him and just made yourself comfortable on the couch. 

***

You were shaken awake, what you assumed to be, a few hours later. 

“Hmm?” You mumbled. 

“I fell asleep on you,” Spencer said. 

“I know,” you replied, your eyes open now. 

“Why didn’t you move me?”

“I didn’t mind,” you said. 

Spencer looked at you. 

“You wanna stay? Or go to bed?” You asked. 

“Stay,” he whispered. “If that’s okay with you.” 

“Come here,” you said, pulling him back into your chest. 

You stroked his hair for a few minutes. “Hey, Spence?” You asked. 

“Hmm?”

“Why’d you wake up?” You asked, your heartbeat quickening. 

“Oh, umm, I just did,” he said. 

You looked at him and he tried to avoid eye contact. 

“Spencer,” you said firmly. 

He lifted his head and turned to face you. 

“Are they back?” You whispered. 

“What? No, of course not,” he said. 

“Spence, come on, I’m not stupid,” you said. 

“Maybe… they’re… kind of back,” he whispered. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You asked him. 

“I didn’t want to worry you.”

“How long?”

He looked at you. “A few days. I’ve had them for a few days,” he said, starting to cry. 

The two of you were sitting up now, and you pulled him closer to you as your broke for him. You rubbed his back as he cried into your shoulder for the rest of the night, eventually falling asleep on you again. 

***

By the time you woke up, Spencer wasn’t on top of you anymore. 

“Hey, Spence?” You called out. 

“Yeah, one minute,” he said. He came to the couch as you sat up. 

“What are you doing?” You asked. 

“Making you pancakes,” he smiled. 

“Wow pancakes. Did I miss something special?”

“No, I just, wanted to thank you. Besides, we have work in a few hours and who knows what will happen there,” he said. 

“You’re not wrong,” you said, laughing. “I’m gonna go shower and then,” you said, giving him a quick peck, “I will eat your pancakes.”

“Sounds good,” he said, kissing you again. 

***

Once you were in the shower, you let the water run over you. It burned as it touched your skin, but you didn’t mind. You thought about Spencer making pancakes for you. He was always the sweetest person no matter what was going on. 

You heard the door open and saw a shadow move behind the curtain. You heard clothes drop to the floor and before you knew it, Spencer was standing in front of you. 

He stopped into the shower as the water ran down both your bodies. 

“Couldn’t wait, could you?” You laughed. 

“I thought if we showered together, we’d save time,” he said, kissing your neck. “And water.” He moved further down. “And energy.” Even further. 

Your head fell back as you felt him bruise your neck. 

You tugged at his wet curls, pulling his lips back up to yours before crashing down on them. 

The two of your moved in unison in the small space you were restricted to. You were glad the walls weren’t thin, or you knew your neighbors would’ve complained about how oud the two of you were being. 

***

“I have to say, I’m not sure if that really saved time… or water… or energy,” you said, laughing. 

“As a person with an IQ of 187 I can assure you, it definitely did,” Spencer said, smiling as he put his pants on. 

“Okay doctor, whatever you say,” you said, buttoning your blouse. 

The two of you headed back to the kitchen to eat the pancakes Spencer had prepared. 

“Ooh, blueberry,” you said, grabbing a plate. 

“Your favorite,” Spencer said, smiling. 

You grabbed the syrup and started to pour it over your pancakes. 

“Don’t let it drop over the side, remember, the cap is broken,” Spencer said. 

“Oh, right. That’s okay, you can just lick it off if it drips,” you said, smirking. 

“Don’t tempt me,” Spencer rebutted with a smile. 

***

Once you got to the BAU, you dropped your bag at your desk before heading straight for the kitchen. 

You prepared two cups of coffee, making sure to put extra sugar in Spencer’s. 

You brought them over to his desk, placing his cup down in front of him. 

“Ready?” You asked. 

“For what?” Spencer replied. 

“For us to get rid of half this stack, remember?”

“Oh, right. I’m definitely ready for that,” he said, smiling. “Thanks for the coffee,” he said, kissing your hand. 

You pulled a chair up next to him and sat down. You put your hand on his back, rubbing it gently as you reached for a case file. 

***

“Five o’clock already wow,” you said, looking at your watch. 

“And we,” Spencer started, “are officially done with half the stack.”

“You gave him a high five, but didn’t let go, your hands now clasped together. 

You stared at his eyes, taking a deep breath that was slightly shaky. 

You opened your mouth as if to say something, but you decided against it. 

“What?” Spencer asked. 

“Nothing,” you said, biting your lip. 

“It looked like it was something.”

You continued looking in his eyes before opening your mouth again. “Nope. Nothing important anyway,” you said. 

Spencer squinted his eyes as if trying to read your body language. 

He decided it wasn’t worth the debacle in front of everyone else in the office. 

“Okay,” he said, kissing your forehead. “Give me 5 minutes and I’ll be ready to go.”

“Okay,” you said. 

You walked back over to your desk, grabbing the bag you had dropped there in the morning. 

You stood there, looking around the bullpen. You waved most of your colleagued goodnight as they left one by one. 

You waited for five minutes. You thought about how much you loved Spencer. Then ten. You thought about how lucky you were to have him. Then thirty. You thought about how accepting he was. And before you knew it, it had been forty-five minutes when Spencer came back. You thought about how long it would be before he left you. 

“Hey, I’m so sorry. My talk with Hotch took longer than I thought,” Spencer said. 

“That’s okay,” you said in a small voice. 

“You okay?” He asked. 

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” You said, smiling. 

You didn’t know if you were happy or not that he didn’t notice the smile was fake. 

***

When the two of you got back to the apartment you felt beat. You immediately went to the bedroom and dropped your bag. 

“Hey, I’m gonna take a shower, okay?” You asked. 

“Didn’t we already take one?” Spencer asked, a smirk on his face. 

“Yeah, I just… I feel really, uh, dirty… right now. I just wanna wash that off,” you said. 

“Okay. Want some company?” Spencer asked, smiling. 

“Oh, I just… umm,” you started. 

“Okay,” Spencer said, nodding his head. He understood what you were trying to say but that didn’t mean it didn’t worry him. 

You hopped into the shower and let the water run over you again. Out of nowhere, you tasted your tears, unable to differentiae them from the water as they streamed down your face. 

You didn’t know why you were crying; you just were. Maybe it was because you were tired or frustrated with work. Maybe it was because you just wanted a hug. Maybe it was because you thought about how Spencer didn’t know something was strange and you wondered how long it would be until he forgot you. 

That one. 

It’s not that you expected him to read your mind but he’s a profiler and a genius. After two years together, you’d think he’d notice things normal people wouldn’t. 

You couldn’t let yourself think like that. You were making that up. It wasn’t true. Of course he noticed when something was wrong. 

But if he noticed, why didn’t he say or do anything? What if he doesn’t care?

Or what if he didn’t know whether you wanted to talk? What if he was waiting for you to say something and then he’d help you?

Why should you have to speak up? Sometimes you don’t want to talk about it, but you want the reassurance. 

You didn’t realize your skin getting sightly burned by the water. 

You turned the shower off and changed into some pajamas. You wiped away your tears and put on your best smile. 

You stepped out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. 

“Hey. Good shower?” Spencer asked, kissing your cheek. 

“Mhm,” you said. 

“I started making some pasta. I can throw some more in for you if you want,” he said, holding up a box of spaghetti. 

How could he not add some for your too?

Maybe he didn’t know whether you wanted pasta or something else. 

“Sure,” you said. You sat at the kitchen island, playing with your fingers. 

You didn’t even notice Spencer come up behind you and wrap his arms around you, placing his chin on your head. 

You winced at his touch and it didn’t go unnoticed. 

“Are you okay?” Spencer asked, the firmness in his tone suggesting how worried he actually was. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you said with a small laugh. 

“You just winced.”

“Sorry,” you said. “I think the water from my shower burned me a little,” you said. 

“It burned you? You’d have to be showering for 25 minutes 110 degrees to be burned,” Spencer said. 

You slid your shirt off of your shoulder and looked at the red skin. “Close enough,” you said. 

“That’s not enough to make you wince, Y/N.”

“Okay, well, what do you want me to say?” You snapped. 

“I just want to know what’s going on,” Spencer said, backing off. 

“Oh, now you want to know,” you mumbled. 

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing,” you said. 

“Oh, no. You’re not doing that again.”

You took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” you said. 

“What’s wrong?” Spencer asked, reaching for your arm. 

“I’m sorry,” you whispered. 

Spencer looked at you and licked his lips before pursing them, his eyebrows furrowing. 

“You might want to check the pasta,” you said in a small voice. 

His gaze lingered before he went to the stove to turn it off and drain the pasta. 

You bit the inside of your cheek. “Careful, don’t burn yourself,” you told him as he drained. He looked at you and you realized what you’d said. “Sorry,” you said again. 

When the pasta was drained and plated with your favorite sauce, Spencer sat next to you at the kitchen island. 

He nudged your plate toward you. “Thank you,” you said. 

“You’re welcome,” he replied. 

You ate in silence and Spencer took both your plated to wash. 

“Do you want tea?” He asked. 

“Uh, sure,” you said. “I can make it.”

“No, that’s okay. Just sit on the couch, I’ll bring it over when it’s done.”

You didn’t say anything. You just looked at him before obliging. 

When the tea was done, Spencer brought it over to the couch, placing it on top of two coasters. 

Again, you sat in silence, sipping your tea, playing with the couch. 

“You wanna talk about it?” Spencer asked, finally speaking up. 

You sighed. 

“I can’t read your mind, Y/N,” he said. 

“I know. That’s the problem,” you said. 

“That’s the problem?” He questioned. 

“Not like the problem, problem. More like an ‘I wish I didn’t have to say it out loud and I wouldn’t have to if you could just read my mind’ problem,” you said. 

“Okay… so what does that mean?” He asked. 

“Nothing, never mind,” you said. 

“Y/N… talk to me,” he said, putting his hand on your knee. 

Again you flinched and he removed his hand. 

“I think I’m gonna go to bed,” you whispered, before placing your tea down and heading to the bedroom. 

You could hear Spencer sigh and sniffle as you walked away. You blinked back your own tears and immediately crawled into your bed. 

You couldn’t sleep, so when Spencer came in twenty minutes later, you heard him. 

He didn’t say anything, he just climbed into the bed next to you. Both of you stayed at the edges, facing away from each other. 

Tears fell down your face as you contemplated saying something, anything. 

You didn’t know Spencer was thinking the same thing. You didn’t know the number of times he turned to look at you. And he didn’t know the number of times you turned to look at him. 

You didn’t see the tears falling down his face, and he didn’t see yours. 

Neither of you slept that night and when morning finally case, everything still hurt the same. 

***

“Morning,” you said. 

“Morning,” Spencer replied. 

The two of you sat up in your bed, still miles apart. 

It was quiet for a moment before Spencer finally spoke. “I’m gonna take a shower,” he said. 

You nodded your head. Once he was in the bathroom, you got out of bed and started getting everything else ready for the day. 

You were in the kitchen making coffee when Spencer emerged. He walked into the kitchen, wrapped in nothing but a towel, his hair still damp. 

You turned to look at him, not noticing how you were staring. 

“What?” He asked. 

“Nothing, sorry. Umm, I made some coffee,” you said, handing him a cup. 

“Thanks,” he said. 

“I’m gonna hop in the shower,” you said. 

He nodded his head and turned back to the kitchen. 

“Hey, Spence?” You said, biting your lip. 

“Yeah?”

“Did, you uh, did you sleep okay?” You asked. 

Spencer just looked at you. 

“I mean, did your nightmares come back last night?” You clarified. 

He pursed his lips. “No,” he said. 

It’s hard to have nightmares when you don’t sleep. 

“Okay,” you said before returning to the bathroom. 

***

You stepped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around you. You stopped in your tracks when you saw Spencer standing there. He looked like he’d just finished getting dressed. 

“Sorry,” you said. 

“It’s okay. I’m done. I’ll let you get changed,” he said. 

“Oh, you don’t have to le-,” you started, but he was already out the door. 

You sighed to yourself before getting changed. 

You stepped out of the bedroom and grabbed your bag. 

Spencer was already standing at the door, ready to go. 

***

The drive was quiet. You didn’t speak and you both looked like hell. 

When you finally got to the office you both headed to your own desks. 

“Well, hello,” Derek said, smirking. “Long night?”

“Not like that,” you said. 

“Oh?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” you said. 

Derek furrowed his eyebrows for a minute, his gaze switching between you and Reid. 

He sat down at his desk without saying anything else. 

About twenty minutes later you saw Spencer get up and come back with a cup of coffee. Just one. 

You licked your lips before turning back to your work. 

***

At the end of the day, you and Spencer got in the car and drove home. 

No words were spoken between you two until you’d entered the apartment. 

“Spence,” you said, putting your bag down. “I think we should talk.”

You didn’t want to do this. 

“About what?” He asked, not looking away from the shoes he was untying. 

“About us.” That got his attention. 

You had to protect yourself. 

He looked at you, afraid of what you were going to say next. “I don’t think this is working,” you said. 

Your heart broke. 

“What’s not working?” Spencer asked hesitantly, standing up and walking toward you. 

“This,” you said pointing between the two of you. “Us.”

What were you doing?

“It’s just a small fight, Y/N,” he said, holding your arms. 

“It’s not, Spence, it’s not. It’s bigger than that. You know that,” you said, your voice starting to shake. 

You self-sabotaged. 

“Please don’t say it. Please,” he begged, his voice shaking too. “Don’t say it. I don’t know how to do this without you.”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered. 

You were sorry. 

He pressed your foreheads together as your lip quivered. 

“Please don’t leave me,” he whispered, tears rolling down his face. 

You inhaled sharply as you wiped away his tears, your own still falling. 

“I’m sorry,” you said again, before walking out the door. You closed it behind you without turning back. 

You only got a few steps out when you collapsed to the floor. You moved so your back was against the wall as you cried. 

***


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the next chapter!! i hope you enjoy, again i have no clue what i'm writing at this point but i'm just going with it lol
> 
> anyway enjoy :))

You didn’t know who to call. You knew it should be JJ or Emily or Garcia. They were your best friends. But you didn’t call them. Instead, you called Derek. 

“What’s up sweet cheeks?”

“I need a favor,” you said, your voice broken. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just, umm… can I swing by your apartment?”

“Yeah, of course.”

You hung up the phone and headed down the stairs before realizing you couldn’t just take the car you and Spencer shared. 

You dialed Morgan again. 

“Umm, actually, I’m gonna need a ride,” you said, biting your lip. 

“No problem. Where are you now?”

“Spencer’s,” you whispered. 

You heard Derek pause on the phone. “I’ll be there in 10.”

You hung up again and sat on the sidewalk. It was chilly out and on the darker side of the evening. 

Your tears froze in the wind. All you had on you was your phone, wallet, gun, badge, pretty much just the basics. You pulled your sweater around you a little tighter, already missing Spencer’s hugs. 

Derek arrived in almost exactly ten minutes. 

“Hi,” you said. 

“Hey, you okay? You look like you’re freezing,” he said, giving you his jacket. 

“I’m okay,” you said. 

You hopped in his car as he started driving away. You turned to look back at the building before it disappeared from your view. 

Derek stayed silent until he knew the building was out of sight. 

“You wanna talk about it?” He asked. 

“Maybe later. I think right now I just need some wine and a blanket,” you said. 

“You got it.”

***

When you got to Derek’s apartment, he fixed you a glass of red wine, gave you a blanket, and sat you on his couch as you tried to forget. 

“What happened between you two?” He asked. 

“How’d you know we had a problem?”

“When you called you said you were at Spencer’s, not that you were at home,” he said. 

“Profiler,” you said as you rolled your eyes. 

He laughed. “So?”

“I don’t know. We’ve been off for a couple days,” you said. “It’s been weird. We haven’t talked or, you know, touched. Although, I supposed that’s my fault,” you said. 

“Meaning?”

“I started to flinch when he touched me.”

“Flinch? Why?”

“I don’t know. I think it’s because I knew something was going to happen and I didn’t want to just lose him so I tried to adjust myself to not… feeling, him as much,” you said. 

“It sounds like you knew what you were doing. Why were you trying to pull away from him?”

“It felt like he was slipping away, Morgan. It felt like he was gonna leave and I can’t… put myself through that again,” you said. 

“Again?”

You took a deep breath. “Every… time… I let someone into my life… they leave. There’s no explanation, no good ones anyway. They just leave,” you said, trailing off at the end of your sentence. 

“How do you know he was gonna leave? Maybe he was gonna be the one that stayed,” Derek said. 

“They all leave eventually,” you whispered. 

Derek sighed before pulling you into a hug. “I love you girl but you can’t keep pushing him away.”

“I have to… before he does it to me.”

You wiped your fallen tears as Derek pulled away. 

“You gonna be okay on the couch alone?” He asked. 

Honestly, you weren’t sure but you weren’t gonna bother him with that. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” you said with a small smile. 

Derek looked at you. He licked his lips and grabbed another blanket. “Come on,” he said. 

“What?”

“Anyone who says they’re gonna be fine… isn’t,” he said. 

You smiled at him and put your head on his shoulder. 

“I just don’t want to lose him,” you whispered. 

“I know, baby, I know,” he said. 

***

The next morning, you and Derek drove to work. He gave you advice on how to handle your situation. 

You were nervous about seeing Spencer, but you did your best to hide it. 

The day went how you thought it would. It was awkward and almost everyone noticed something was wrong. 

You held back your tears for most of the day, occasionally crying in the bathroom. Spencer didn’t look at you all day and you didn’t blame him. 

Eventually you went back to Derek’s and Spencer went back to his place. 

***

The next week, you’d all come back from a jarring case when Penelope suggested you go out. 

***

“Drinks anyone?” Penelope asked. 

“Ugh, yes please,” you said. 

“I’m in,” Emily said. 

“I’ll come but I’m not driving,” Morgan replied. 

“I’m good. Spence?” JJ asked. 

Spencer looked up at everyone. His eyes locked with yours. “Hmm? Oh, umm, I don’t know I think I’m gonna head home,” he said. 

“Come on 187, drop that IQ a little tonight,” Emily said. 

Spencer looked at Emily, his eyes flicking back to yours for a second. “Okay, fine.”

You smiled as everyone cheered. You could just avoid him the whole night and you’d be finem so that’s what you decided to do. 

When everyone got to the bar, you all immediately grabbed the big booth at the back. 

“So, who’s driving?” Morgan asked. 

“Not me, I already ordered and downed a shot,” you said. 

“We’ve been here for like two seconds,” Emily said. 

“Call me… troubled,” you said. 

“Tryna forget something?” Morgan whispered to you. 

You kicked him under the table. As everyone else filed into the booth, Spencer somehow ended up next to you. So much for your plan. 

As the night went on, you started to get a little spacey. 

“Remember that time JJ did karaoke?” Emily said. 

Everyone laughed as you grabbed Spencer’s shoulder with your hand. Spencer turned to look at your hand, but you didn’t really notice. 

“Hey, it was on time,” JJ laughed. 

“Anyone want another round?” You asked. 

“I’d love one, but I can’t stand,” Emily said. 

“Hey pretty boy, why don’t you help her,” Morgan said. 

You and Spencer turned to face each other. 

“Oh, that’s okay. I got it,” you said. You slid out of the booth and took two steps before you stumbled. 

You felt a hand on your back as you tried to steady yourself. “Okay, how about I get the drinks?” Spencer asked from behind you. 

You stood up straight and turned to face him. “I’m already up so I might as well join you,” you laughed. 

He gave you a small smile before heading to the bar to order more drinks. When the bartender put the drinks down, you went to grab the tray. A hand on your wrist stopped you. 

“What?” You asked. 

“You’re gonna spill all of them,” Spencer replied. 

“No, I’m not,” you said, knowing full well it was a lie. 

Spencer raised his eyebrows at you with a look. “At least let me carry mine,” you said. 

“Fine,” he breathed, handing you your drink. 

The two of you headed over to the table, and you almost crashed into it. You would’ve hit your head if Spencer didn’t grab you. 

“Careful,” he said, catching your arms as you lost your footing. You lifted your head so your eyes could meet his. 

“Sorry,” you said. You slid back into the booth, Spencer joining you. 

It was quiet for a moment before Morgan spoke. “Hey, Reid, show us a magic trick,” he said. 

“Since when do you ask to see those?” Spencer laughed. 

“Since now. Come on,” Morgan replied. 

“I don’t know,” Reid said. 

You don’t know what possessed you to act this way but once you started, you ran with it. “Come on, please?” You asked, linking your arm and his while batting your eyelashes. Again, he looked at you, exhaling before reluctantly agreeing. 

Another couple of drinks later, everyone had started to die down. 

You turned to face Spencer, just looking at him as your arms were still linked together from earlier. When he turned to face you, you were surprised he didn’t look angry, 

“What?” He asked. 

“Nothing,” you whispered. You put your head on his shoulder and interlocked your fingers. 

You could feel his breath on your head, knowing he was still looking at you. Then, you sensed the slightest bit of pressure as you felt him place a kiss there. 

No one commented on anything. They just sat around, sipping drinks and laughing at old memories. 

At the end of the night, as everyone was getting ready to leave, you kissed Spencer on his cheek. 

You looked at his eyes and he looked back at yours. Neither of you said a word, you just looked. 

***

Another couple of weeks later, you and Spencer had started to be okay. Things were still awkward but less so. You hadn’t talked about that night at the bar, and you didn’t plan to. 

You’d started to distance yourself from him a little more but the interactions you did have went smoothly. 

It wasn’t until you were working a case and you were partnered up that something happened. 

***

“Okay so the wife left the husband. Why?” You asked. 

“I don’t know. Maybe he did something? Cheated?” Spencer asked. 

“I don’t think so. We profiled him and he doesn’t seem to be that type,” you said. 

“Okay, so if he didn’t do anything why’d she leave?” Spencer questioned. 

“He must’ve done something; I just don’t think he cheated. I mean she must’ve left for a reason,” you said. “She wouldn’t just up and leave without one.”

“You did,” Spencer whispered. 

“What?”

“Nothing,” he said. 

“If you want to say something, Spencer, spit it out.”

“Nope. Nothing.”

“Okay, then let’s focus on this case,” you said firmly. 

“Great.” He said. 

“So, what could he have done?” You asked, turning back to the board you were facing before. 

“Maybe he loved too much or trusted her too much or… I don’t know… valued her too much,” Spencer said. 

You turned around and threw the file you were holding on the table. 

“Okay. Out with it,” you said. 

“What?”

“Come on. Say it. Say whatever you’ve been thinking of saying, whatever you’ve been holding in,” you said. 

Spencer looked at you with an intensity in his eyes. 

“Fine. You said it yourself, she wouldn’t have left without a reason,” he said. 

“So?”

“So, what was your reason for leaving? Was it me? Were you cheating?” He asked. 

“Okay, first of all, I have never cheated on you and I would never do that, so don’t even think about accusing me of that,” you said. 

“I’m not accusing you. I’m just asking why you left. If it wasn’t you then it must’ve been me so what did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything, Spencer, I left for my own reasons.”

“Like what?”

“It doesn’t matter,” you said. 

“Well, it does to me,” he said, standing up to match your height, or rather, exceed it. 

You clenched your jaw. “Focus on the case Spencer.”

“I am. Tell me why you left,” he said. 

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Maybe if I knew why you left, I could figure out why she did too,” he said. 

You took a deep breath. He was infuriating and you wanted nothing more than to shove him against a wall. 

“That’s unrelated,” you said. 

“Oh really? Because it looks like the same situation to me,” he said. 

He moved closed to you, your faces only inches from each other now. 

“He loves her. I love you. She left and so did you. Him and I have no idea what we did to make you leave,” Spencer said. He put his mouth close to your ear as you seethed with anger. “Doesn’t that make this related?” He whispered. 

Something in you snapped. You grabbed Spencer’s shoulders and threw him against a wall, your faces mere centimeters from each other. 

You stared into his eyes before speaking. “Did you just say you love me?” You breathed. 

Spencer didn’t answer you. He just looked at your eyes. You looked in his before grabbing his face and bringing your faces even closer. 

You didn’t kiss him, but you were so close together you might as well have. You could feel his lips brush against yours and honestly, you don’t know what would’ve happened if Morgan hadn’t walked in. 

The two of you heard a knock on the door and jumped apart. 

“Hey… guys… uh, Hotch wants us in the bullpen. We’re ready to give a profile,” he said. 

You cleared your throat and smoothed out your hair and shirt before walking out of the room. 

“What was that about?” Derek asked. 

“Nothing,” you said, walking faster to avoid more questions. 

***


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! here's the last part. don't really know what happened here but hopefully it's okay lol. anyway enjoy :)

It had been a month since you’d nearly kissed Spencer. You didn’t talk about it with him after that day. Derek had pressed questions, but you didn’t really answer them and eventually he dropped it. 

You walked into work that morning just like any other day. 

You dropped your bag at your desk and then went to make yourself some coffee. 

“Hey,” you said when you saw Spencer. “I was just gonna bring you some,” you said, pointing to the coffee in his hand. 

He smiled at you. “I guess I beat you to it,” he laughed. “I should’ve waited. You could’ve saved me the trip.”

“Yeah,” you laughed. You stood awkwardly for a second as Spencer stirred his coffee. 

“Sorry, um… can I just-,” you said, pointing past Reid. 

“Oh, oh yeah. Sorry,” he said, moving away from the pot. 

You poured yourself a cup and then stirred it. 

“Hey, we’ve got a situation,” JJ said, poking her head into the kitchen. 

You were thankful she’d saved you from the tension in the room. 

Spencer waited for you to walk out of the room, gesturing for you to go first. 

You squeezed his shoulder on the way out and gave him a small smile. 

Once everyone was seated in the conference room, you put your hand on Spencer’s back, rubbing it softly before pulling away. 

He turned to face you, giving you a confused look followed by a smile. 

JJ explained what was going on to everyone. The CIA had a leak and it was your job to determine who it was through interrogation and behavioral analysis. 

Everyone left the conference room to grab their bags before you left. 

You felt a hand on your shoulder as you grabbed something from your desk. 

“Oh, jeez,” you said, jumping slightly. 

“Sorry,” Spencer said. 

“No, it’s okay. What’s up?” You asked. 

He took a deep breath before speaking. “We need to talk.”

“Okay… about what?”

“Not here,” he said. He walked into the file room and you followed him. 

“Are you gonna tell me what this is about?” You asked. 

“What are you doing?” He asked. 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… what are you doing Y/N? You leave me and then you’re all over me at the bar and then you don’t talk to me and then you almost kiss me and then we barely talk? I mean… what is that about?”

“I don’t…,” you started. 

“You do. I know you do.”

“Can we not talk about this here?” You asked. 

“Where do you wanna talk about it then?”

“I don’t know. Just… not here. Not at work.”

“You could come over after this case. You have some stuff at my apartment anyway,” he said. 

“Right,” you said. “Okay, fine. After this case,” you agreed. 

Spencer looked at you again before leaving the file room. You took a deep breath and then walked out too. 

***

You could barely focus on the case. All you could think about was your future talk with Spencer. 

“You okay?” Derek asked. 

“Hmm? Oh, yeah,” you said. 

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” you said. 

“Alright. What is it?” Derek asked. 

“It’s nothing,” you laughed. 

“Come on Y/N. Your head’s not in this. What’s going on?”

You sighed. “Spencer wants to talk,” you said. 

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“Well, no but, he wants to talk about us,” you said. 

“You gotta tell him, Y/N.”

“I can’t.”

“You can. You have to. If you don’t, you’re gonna lose him for good,” Derek said. He gave you a reassuring squeeze on your shoulder before returning to his work. 

***

“That case has got to be one of the fastest ever,” JJ laughed. 

“Yeah, what was that, less than a day?” Emily asked. 

“17 hours, 53 minutes, and 6 seconds,” Reid said. 

“Thanks dork,” Morgan laughed. 

Reid smiled and you knew he wasn’t hurt but you still wanted to give him a hug and remind him that you loved his dorky side. 

Once you all got back to Quantico, you lingered outside. 

“You don’t have to come over you know?”

You turned to face Spencer. “But I still think we should talk,” he said. 

“No, it’s okay. You’re right. We should talk,” you said. 

“You want Chinese?” He asked. 

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

You got into the passenger seat of his car and buckled in. 

It wasn’t that far to Spencer’s apartment. You remembered the drive as it had once been yours to take. 

Once you got to his door, you waited for him to unlock it, and then dropped your bag after entering. 

“I’ll order dinner. You can sit on the couch if you want,” Spencer said. 

You picked at your nails before turning to face him. 

“I lied to you,” you said hurriedly. 

“What?” Spencer asked, putting the phone down. 

“Well… I guess I didn’t lie since I never explained myself,” you said, fidgeting with your hands. 

“No, you didn’t,” Spencer quipped. 

“My point it… I’m sorry. I… I freaked out, I left because I… I didn’t want you to leave first,” you said quietly. 

“What?” He asked, stepping closer to you. “You thought I was gonna leave?”

You bit your lip as you blinked back tears. “Yeah. Yeah, I thought you were gonna leave and I couldn’t lose you, Spence, I couldn’t,” you said, starting to cry. 

He cupped your face with his hands, wiping away your tears. “Why’d you push me away?”

Your eyes finally met his. “Because I love you,” you whispered. 

“That doesn’t make any sense,” he whispered back. 

“I know,” you said. Your hands moved to the nap of his neck as you pulled him into you. You ran your fingers through his hair as his hands made their way down to the small of your back. 

He pulled away quickly and looked at you. “We’re not done talking,” he said. 

You bit your lip again. You swallowed thickly before explaining yourself. “I started to manifest things in my head. I started to look for the bad in situations. It’s like I tricked myself into thinking you were gonna leave,” you said. 

“You figured that out by yourself?” Spencer asked. 

“No, Derek did,” you said. 

Spencer just looked at you. You honestly couldn’t tell what he was feeling right now. That was when he pulled you into a hug. He pulled you closer to him, his arms wrapping around your back as yours reached to wrap around his shoulders. You sunk your head into the crook of his neck, a few tears slipping away. He moved one hand to cradle your head as he started to stroke your hair. 

“I would never leave you,” he said. 

You pulled away, looking him in the eyes. 

“Promise?” You asked. 

“Promise,” he whispered. 

***

That night, the two of you laid in Spencer’s bed. You had your back to his chest and he was drawing circles on your shoulder, his other arm being used to prop himself up. You were picking at the threads of the sheets, your legs intertwined with his. 

“You wanna talk about it?” He asked. 

“Talk about what?”

“The reason you were scared I’d leave,” he said. 

“What do you mean? I was just scared,” you said. 

“The fear has to come from somewhere,” he replied. 

You sighed to yourself, turning to face him. “I’ve been left before, Spence. That’s the reason,” you said. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“I couldn’t go through that again, especially not with you,” you said. 

“Who said I was ever going to leave?” He questioned. 

You turned back around, picking at threads again. “Everyone leaves,” you whispered. 

He pulled you in a little closer, hugging you a little tighter. 

“I’m still here,” he breathed into your hair. 

You didn’t say anything, you just kissed his arm and he knew what you meant. 

***


End file.
